Since 18 or so I began the typical journey to “find myself” and “know who I am”… blah. Though the importance of that journey dwindled like PBR at a college party, a few issues in my adult life arose in the society around me that seemed to need attention from someone with a more practical way of thinking. This is doesn’t, however, scratch the surface when dealing with the issues that elicit the “side eye”.

How do you gain experience if jobs won’t hire you because you don’t have enough experience? Before my current state of employment, I was in the rat race. Filling out stacks of applications, checking CareerBuilder more than Facebook, and shamelessly whoring my feeble attempt of a résumé. Cashier, customer service, telemarketing, stocking, cleaning; it didn’t matter. I just wanted a name tag and a check. Unfortunately, I never had enough “experience”. My face would always contort at the reverb. Where would I travel to seek this mythical beast employers spoke of? Was it so much for some of these companies to take a risk on a young college kid (some of which no longer exist due to financial woes, right Circuit City?) I’ve yet to understand how to gain experience if you’re not given the opportunity to do so? My solution? Decide and accept in your heart where you want to work. Go there in a makeshift uniform and jump right in. I’m sure you’ll get a solid 23 minutes of experience before you’re escorted out. If that isn’t your thing, you may need to 1) continue your journey in the hopes of getting lucky or 2) travel to the dark forest of Hogwarts in search of this Yet I they call “experience.

Can’t the debt crisis be solved with extreme couponing? This country is clearly in a debt crisis to rival the Great Depression (a great time I’m so sure). Fortunately we have a troupe of politicians who are working tirelessly to repair the damage done! Since that’s an absolute lie, my practical solution is to turn loose the housewives of Middletown, America with their secret weapon; coupons. These people know the power of a coupon and can walk into a store, fill a shopping cart, and leave with an extra $2.16 in their pockets. I think they have an inkling on how economics works, or at least how to make it work. I’d love nothing more than to see hundreds of fulltime moms, babies papoosed and coupon books spilling, on the lawn of the White House reducing the debt millions of dollars a minute. The principle is that you get people who know struggle to dig you out of your struggle.

Why did “selfies” not catch on as another word for masturbation? A few months a go I first saw the word “selfie” on an Instagram post. I didn’t think anything of it until this word, for lack of better word, became a thing. People actually take pictures of themselves and call them selfies. Gone are the days when you pretend that a picture you took of yourself was taken by someone else, alluding to the fact that you had friends and you actually hung out with them! Neither here nor there, I am a proponent of the idea that we go back to the good old days of pretending to have social lives. If we are going to allow “selfies” to be a thing, my vote is that it’s for the replacement of “masturbation”. Innuendo sells and I am buying. I don’t think masturbation has another pseudonym so blunt yet so damn funny. The ones that do exist are disrespectful to animals and I personally don’t understand why PETA isn’t stirring up shit because society wants to “choke chickens” or “spank monkeys”. Let’s appease everyone, especially yourselves (pun intended), and make “selfie” the national moniker for… you know. I think I’ve said it enough.

So we’re sensationalizing zombies now? I’m all for the prevention and protection of/from zombie attacks. Personally, my plan is to stock pile all the vodka and Three Buck Chuck I can carry on a pontoon boat and float in the middle of the Pacific until the attack is over. But for the media to concern themselves with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that wants to pop a Mollie and eat someone’s face? Those aren’t zombies, Wolf Blitzer, that is a crackhead. For those who are unsure the difference between a zombie and a crackhead, I bestow upon you my secret… a cheeseburger. Zombies don’t give two squats of duck shit about a cheeseburger. A crackhead, however, will dance for one. Don’t ask what they’ll do if you have two. Can we as a society come to agree that in the unlikely event that there is a zombie attack, the media will be a tad late in reporting? Would it be okay if the media were to back off the zombie talk and delve into other issues? I think we got this one in the bag without MSNBC.


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