Confessions of a single man.

1. I don’t know, with confidence, where I keep spare toilet paper in the house.

2. Dishes are only done when something is needed.

3. Groceries are purchased based on how it’ll taste with vodka.

4. Restocking the liquor cabinet is a part of grocery shopping.

5. Potato chips are a vegetable.

6. The sound my vacuum makes surprises me every time I use it.

7. At home, clothes are barely optional.

8. Preshower helicopter. You either know what this is or you don’t.

9. I have three drawers to stuff shit in when I’m expecting a bedroom guest.

10. The mattress flip is the 11th commandment.

11. Every towel in the house has a purpose. There’s no such thing as extra towels.

12. Cold pizza is a breakfast food.

13. Grandma be knowin.

14. I might as well be dating my car. She’s so high maintenanced.

15. On weekends, I’ll brush my teeth if I’m leaving the house.

16. Showers are more recreational than functional.

17. Cooking dinner for one is tricky.

18. My apartment is either really clean or really, really dirty.

19. Waking up somewhere other than your bedroom is totally acceptable.

20. Most people would pay for the still quietness I can conjure up in my apartment.


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